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In Which Jordan Bates Gets the Man Flu

In Which Jordan Bates Gets the Man Flu

I <3 my boyfriend, Jordan Bates, I really do, but my patience is running thin with him as my sick patient… ‪#‎manflu‬ ‪#‎getwellsoon‬ ‪#‎ifthefludontkillhimiwill‬

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SUNDAY: DAY 1 OF SYMPTOMS
“Let’s skip the last movie of the Frankfort Film Festival, because I’m feeling sick and want to watch a movie on Netflix instead.”

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MONDAY: DAY 2 OF SYMPTOMS
“I know I told you that I’d help you with your business plan today, but I’m feeling sick still, so I’m just going to play video games all day long in bed.”

“I dont really like this breakfast sandwich that you made for me. The bun is gross. You should have used bread. We have bread. And you should have put some spice in it. It’s supposed to be a southwest sandwich, but there’s no spicy southwest in it. What’s that? Oh, you were trying to follow the recipe exactly, which is something that you never do and that I always plead with you to do? Well, this time, you should not have listened to the recipe.”

“I know that I’ve been laying around all day not doing anything and claiming to be sick, so you have suggested that maybe I should skip coaching an away volleyball game in Onekama tonight, but it’s fine; no no, I can go to the game. No problem. I’ll be fine.”

“I know that you made dinner tonight and went above and beyond normal dinner expectations to have it perfectly hot and ready and plated for me for exactly when I get home from my game at 10pm, but I’m cold as ice and sicker than a dog, so I’m only going to eat three bites. And no, thanks for asking, but please don’t heat up a hot water bottle for me.”

“Now that you’ve laid back down in bed and gotten under the covers, will you get back up and make me that hot water bottle? That actually sounds pretty nice.”

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TUESDAY: DAY 3 OF SYMPTOMS

“I know that you’re not even awake yet, but I’m going to drive myself to the doctor. Just letting you know.”

“I know that I just drove myself to the doctor, but can you stop what you’re doing right now and go fill my prescriptions for me now that I’m back home?”

“Oh yeah, I bought myself 2 gallons of orange juice on my way home from the doctor, even though I can’t go fill my prescriptions myself. Oh, and dont even think about drinking any of my orange juice. It’s mine. Do you hear me?”

“Why haven’t you left yet? I know I asked you only 2.5 minutes ago and you’re not even dressed for the day and you haven’t even brushed your teeth, but it feels like you don’t care about me because you didnt hop right up to do it, even though you’re still confused as to why I didn’t go fill my prescriptions myself, or at least drop them off so that the pharmacist could start working on them.”

“I know that it takes like 15 minutes to fill a prescription and you’ve only been gone 20 minutes, but what took you so long?”

“Why are you making me take zinc and vitamins with my prescription of cough medicine + codeine? I already had some orange juice. You’re going to make me overdose on Vitamin C. That’s a real thing, you know, overdosing on Vitamin C.”

“I know you just did two loads of dishes and started to prep dinner early and now you’re off to go run errands, but will you bring me a glass of water before you go? Ice water. Really cold.”

“I know that you were running errands all over, some of which I was supposed to do yesterday, but why were you gone for five hours?”

“I would love you forever and I’d never complain about anything for the rest of my life when I get sick… if you buy me a cherry pie. I know that you’ve been out running errands for five hours and could have easily bought me a pie while you were out, but I didnt want one then. I want one now.”

“I watched The Walking Dead without you. I know we usually watch it together and I would get mad at you if you did this, but I’m sick. Anyway, you should really watch it ASAP.”

“You’re not going back out for a third time today to buy me a cherry pie? You dont really love me.”

“Oh, you’re offering to make homemade chicken soup for dinner instead? I guess that’ll have to do.”

“What are you going to use for the broth?”

“Ew, don’t use that veggie stock in the box. That’s gross. It tastes gross.”

“Oh, you’re going to make homemade chicken soup, including your own broth from stock, how wonderful!”

“What did you put in this?”

“I guess I’ll keep eating since I can’t figure out what you put in this.”

“Ew, it’s cinnamon isn’t it? I hate cinnamon. I won’t eat another bite now that I know it’s cinnamon.”

“Yes, I know that I was the one who taught you to put cinnamon in homemade broth, but that was for beef broth, not for chicken broth. Plus, I didn’t want a bunch of veggies in my soup: onions, garlic, peppers, peas, lemon juice. You and your vitamins; I dont care about vitamins. I wanted chicken noodle soup, even though I know that you’re not eating noodles or any other gluten-y products right now and you havent been for almost two years.”

“Oh, you also made homemade beef broth with nothing in it? No cinnamon? Well, I dont want to even taste it.”

“I still want cherry pie.”

“I know that you did another load of dishes and just laid down to watch The Walking Dead because I told you to earlier, but will you get up and make me another hot water bottle?”

“Ew, why are you making me take more vitamins? They’re not scientifically proven to be effective, and they made me burp last time. I know that the codeine is probably what’s actually giving me a tummy ache, since that is a side effect, but I’m going to blame it on the vitamins you made me take.”

“I am going to take some Nyquil. And some tylenol. And some ibuprofin. Oh, what’s that you say? I cant take cough medicine with codeine AND Nyquil and everything else all at the same time? Why is that? Because mixing meds is bad.. why? Wait, why would I call your mom to ask her to explain to me about why mixing meds is bad; it’s not like she’s a nurse or anything.”

“OK, I finally believe you that maybe the codeine is giving me a stomach ache, but only because I’ve been texting with your mom. So I’m going to switch to Nyquil.”

“I want to take some ibuprofin, too. Your mom says I can. I know that it’s 9:30 at night and the store is barely open still and you are in your pajamas, but can you go get me some ibuprofin, even though I haven’t even given this Nyquil 15 minutes to kick in to see if it’s going to work or not.”

“I can’t believe you wont go get me ibuprofin. You dont love me.”

“Will you bring me some water?”

“You put so much ice in without me even asking, even though every single time you’ve done this same thing. This time I’m going to notice and make a big deal. Wow, you really love me.”

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WEDNESDAY, DAY 4 OF SYMPTOMS:

“Will you get up out of bed and make me bacon for breakfast? Five pieces of bacon should be just fine. And one slice of buttered toast. Bread that is toasted. That’s what toast is. With butter. That’s what buttered toast is.”

“I can’t believe that you are making me take more vitamins. I refuse to take them on an empty stomach. Oh, I see that you’ve brought my bacon and my buttered toast. And my ice water. I guess I can’t refuse, but I’m going to wait to take them until after I’ve eaten so that I dont get a tummy ache and burps.”

“Yes, I forgot to take those vitamins. Thanks for reminding me.”

“I know you are going to do some work for a few hours, but can you bring me home a cherry pie? And some ibuprofin?”

“I know that you just walked in the door, and the first thing that you want to do is put my cherry pie in the oven, but can you get me a glass of ice water?”

“Oh, actually, I found some ibuprofin. It was within sightlines of my spot here on the bed. Thanks for buying some though. How’s that cherry pie coming?”

“I know you’re trying to relax and take a bath and read a magazine, but how long did you say that cherry pie was going to take? I just looked at it, and it’s got awhile to go. Well, 10 minutes more, even though the directions say to give it 25 minutes more.”

“Why is it going to take 45 minutes for my cherry pie to cool!? I know that’s what it says on the box, but I dont want to wait. Mmmm, pie.”

“I only ate one piece of pie because it was still raw in the bottom. You baked it on an aluminum baking sheet, and aluminum conducts heat and doesnt let it get to the pie. I blame you, not the fact that I took it out of the oven 15 minutes before the directions said to.”

“Oh, you’re starting to feel sick, too?”

“No, I dont want any of the homemade soup you made yesterday. I’ll just eat buttered toast. Toast that is buttered.”

“I am skipping our last volleyball game tonight, did you know? I probably *could* go, but I’m not going to. But I could.”

“I know you were trying to take a nap after you’ve worked and cooked and cleaned all day, not to mention that I woke you up this morning to make me breakfast, but I tried texting you twice and calling to you from downstairs, and you werent answering, so I decided to call you on the phone. Will you please feed the dog? I know that I’m just downstairs and could go upstairs to feed her myself, but I’m sick, remember? She’s going crazy.”

“I know that I typically hate smoothies and always say no when you ask me if I want one, but will you make me one? With apples and bananas and orange juice and yogurt; yep, just like the one that you made for yourself three hours ago that I said that I didn’t want.”

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THURSDAY, DAY 5 OF SYMPTOMS:

“I know that it’s 3am, but will you bring me a glass of ice water?”

“What’s that? You say that I’ve been coughing in my sleep? Impossible.”

“Here’s a text to wake you up this morning! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Please go fill my other prescription that’s for the antibiotic, because I think I need it. I was coughing all night, dontchaknow?”

“I think I have bronchitis.”

“Bronchitis is a virus, so antibiotics wont work on it, but I think that I might have bronchitis AND a bacterial infection, so I need the antibiotics.”

“Why won’t you take up the dishes that I’m accumulating? I know you are trying to avoid touching my stuff so that you don’t get sick yourself, but surely taking up the silverware that have been in my mouth and the cups that I’ve drank from won’t get my germs on you. Besides, I dont even think I’m contagious.”

“You must not love me because you wont clean up after me.”

“Yes, I know that I’m not super good at taking meds the way I’m supposed to and following up on stuff like that, but why are you chastising me? Oh, you’re trying to tell me that it’ll probably be two pills a day for 10 days? Yeah, fine, whatever — I’m not afraid of antibiotics!!!”

“I know you aren’t saying that I am afraid of antibiotics; you’re just trying to get the point across that it’s very important that I make sure that if I fill this prescription that I take all of the pills, but I’m going to respond by reiterating that I’m not afraid of antibiotics.”

“Hell no, don’t give me any more of those damned vitamins, though! Those, yeah, those I’m scared of. Overdosing on Vitamin C is a real thing, you know.”

“Yeah, I know that I’ve barely drank half a gallon of orange juice in three days, but I could overdose on Vitamin C.”

“While you are out getting my antibiotics, will you get me some Gatorade, even though I know that you don’t like it or believe in it. I know that you think it’s got too much sugar in it, but I need electrolytes, dammit. I’m dehydrated, even though you’ve been bringing me glasses of ice water multiple times a day. But I havent eaten anything in days! Except for that half-done cherry pie — that was gross and totally your fault, by the way, even though I took over the baking of it because you were in the bathtub… gah, I need that gatorade, just get it for me!”

“Oh, I also need orange sherbert. Gatorade and orange sherbert. But if they have those orange pop-up popsicles, I’ll take those instead. But only if they’re not gooey. I hate when they get gooey.”

“Yes, fine, I guess that you can water down the Gatorade, if that makes you feel better about the situation.”

“I know that the pharmacist told you that I can’t eat dairy for two hours before or after my antibiotics because they bind to dairy products. Ok, but tell me again why can’t I eat dairy products two hours before or two hours after? Oh right, because the pharmacist said so. Because the antibiotics bind to the dairy. Well why didnt you say so?”

“Can you bring me some Gatorade?”

“Can you put ice in my Gatorade? I like it cold. Ice cold.”

“Can you bring me another glass of Gatorade? Yes, you can water it down this time.”

“Is my Kindle charged? 35% you say? I guess that’s not bad.”

“On second thought, can you please charge my Kindle and dont use it, because I want to use it while I take a bath. Dont use it!”

“Can you put out the milk order for the milk man, even though he’s not getting here for another 8 hours?”

“Why do I need to eat yogurt while I’m on antibiotics? Because that’s the way it works, eh? What does that mean? Because that’s what’s recommended? Yeah right. Whatever.”

“I know it’s only been an hour since I asked last time, but can you put out the milk order?”

“Can I have more Gatorade?”

“Am I allowed to take ibuprofin?”

“Fine, I’ll ask your mom if I am allowed to take ibuprofin, since she’s the nurse and knows about mixing meds.”

“Why does ibuprofin make me sweat?”

“I’m hungry.”

“I know that I haven’t tried your beef broth yet, but I dont think I want it.”

“Gah, no more vitamins! I can’t believe you are giving me more vitamins! I refuse to take them until after I’ve eaten.”

“Hmmm… does your beef broth have cinnamon in it?”

“OK, no cinnamon… well what *does* it have in it? Onions, garlic, and a beef bone, that’s it, eh? Fine, I’ll try your beef broth. But I dont usually even like beef broth.”

“While the beef broth is heating up, can you bring me more Gatorade?”

“Is your beef broth strained?”

“Will you bring me some sherbert while I’m waiting for the beef broth to heat up? I know it’s been less than three minutes, but I want some sherbert.”

“Why are you asking if I’m going to take my antibiotics soon? What does that matter in relation to my sherbert? There’s no dairy in sherbert. It’s dairy free. Oh wait, milk is the third ingredient in sherbert? Weird.”

“I asked for orange sherbert. This is rainbow.”

“What kind of bowl is this? This shallow little bowl that I’ve seen and eaten from multiple times over the last two years. It’s an I’m-sure-to-spill-and-scald-myself bowl. Oh wait, it’s not so bad.”

“Mmm, this beef broth is actually pretty good. Why didnt you give this to me two days ago when you first made it?”

“No, I dont want any smoothie.”

“No, I haven’t had any yogurt since you told me to, but I still don’t want a smoothie.”

“You know, if you post this on Facebook, it’s just going to make you look bad. Like you’re complaining about having to take care of me.”

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There you have it folks. And now you’re all caught up.

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